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Staggering vet bills

I don't really use this anymore.

I'm on facebook if you haven't added me on there already. Other than that i really haven't been active blogging or journaling, really.

Well, my kitty is doing fine, but there was quite an ordeal involving lily leaf poisoning. As opposed to typing it all out here i'll just say that it cost me $1100 and my roomie $2000 and if you are so inclined to read more please check out the link to my GoFundMe page where i detail what happened: Percy And Rainier Vet Bills

Lots of work needs to be done

I am overall pretty happy lately, but i have been feeling the pervasive and ever-present need to do something creative, that has compounded over months of neglect....why creative juices need to get some serious flow on. I took a 4 day weekend to try to excavate my art corner, which has been buried under piles of boxes and mounds of craft supplies, and, well, crap supplies too, ever since i was forced to empty my storage unit out (since couldn't afford it anymore). I never really felt the "need" to create, like some artists express, like "If i don't keep making stuff i'll go crazy!" Except that i am finding that after months and months of not making anything at all i am kind of slowly going crazy. Not crazy i guess, just stir crazy, and bored....which i feel is bad because there is NEVER an excuse to be bored!

Well, i didn't nearly finish sorting through stuff, but i did spend a long time and found three boxes of utter crap to throw away and recycle (little fabric scraps, tangled stuff, magazine papers and articles i will never use, old notes, crap), two boxes of stuff i put free on the curb, two grocery bags of canned goods that were past pull date, and one giant box of stuff to resell at Village Merchants, so it wasn't a total wash. There are still a few towers of boxes, but there are empty spots where two huge stacks used to be so, yay...PROGRESS.

No more time to work on sorting this weekend, as I'm catsitting for my ex, and his new bed is wreaking havok on my back, so i feel like turd and find that i'm not having energy to go anywhere or get anything done. Next weekend i will be home though, and i'll need to pour more energy into the sorting. The need to create has definitely snuck up on me slowly...but it is definitely beginning to feel like it is necessary again!

Full Circle-y-ness

I've been very happy. Life is good right now. Not perfect, but good. I've been dating a man named Kendall for almost 8 months now, i love him dearly, and things are progressing well. Work has been hard, but it's work. I just got a raise of over a dollar an hour. It makes me exhausted every day, but i like my coworkers a lot, don't hate the job, and am now making the most $/hr that i've ever made at a permanent job. I've been tired but good. Smiling a lot lately.

The full circle-ish-ness that i experienced today was interesting. After i had breakfast with Kendall i headed out to do some errands, and by the time i was hungry that afternoon i texted Ben and we went out to lunch. Ben and i have remained friends since the breakup. We went to Mio Sushi on Hawthorne, and after talking fora while randomly realized that it had been almost a year since we had broken up, and we had lunch together at that same place a few days after we'd broken up. That was an interesting realization, and one that i don't think either Ben or I feel bad about anymore either. It has kind of been excellent to remain friends. We both have supported and helped eachother out since. I think that's the ideal way things should go, after all, he meant a lot to me, we had a mutual breakup, it would be just sad and absurd to have not remained friends. After all, the caring doesn't go away, even if you don't want to be with somebody anymore.

He and i are both fairly happy in relationships with other people. So i'm sure that really helped too. I like Ben's girlfriend, she's smart and funny. It is too bad she doesn't live in Portland though, I mean double dates semi-regularly would be so fun!

Oh shit.

This poly thing, i guess i am not very good at it.

My actions have hurt someone's feelings pretty badly. But he is reacting in a way that i believe is an overreaction, kind of jerky.

Honestly i think there were too many assumptions from both sides.

Now i don't know if this person is going to just disappear out of my life, or cool off and come back. I like them a lot, and don't want them to just vanish. I dunno.

*Sigh.* Keep on rolling, i guess.

Moop Meep Moop!

Overall, I have been having a really good time lately. I mean, being "single" is new and weird, and that has had its ups and downs too, but right now i am mostly experiencing the ups of it. I think i might be on the verge of an actual, bona fide, semi-stable sort of poly situation for the first time EVER in my life...I mean, first poly situation really EVER at all. So, that is confusing as fuck, but it is also rewarding and making me happy. I'm seeing a couple of guys, they are both very nice but very different from eachother in a lot of ways, in personality, sense of style and even height....it's weird, one is pretty tall and the other pretty short....both adorable as fuck. It isn't committed yet really with either of them, but i like them both a Hell of a lot, i see them both really regularly and still have the freedom to go on more OKC dates if i want to and so do they. What more could i ask for? I also had a thing for a bit with a dude who was a bit younger than me and, not surprisingly, completely confused and had no idea what he wanted out of relationships or even life for that matter. Unsurprisingly that situation fizzled. I'm finding that one of the really nice things about poly is that if you are actively seeing multiple partners and one thing ends you still have the benefit of finding comfort in the person(s) who still care. And as someone who has somewhat recently dealt with really massive heatrbreak...i have to admit it is very appealing.

I guess at some point things will feel less confusing to me, that's really the only thing i want right now that i don't have. Oh, and more closure from the breakup. It seems that my mind knows it has been for the best, but my heart still aches. I would like that to fade, and i know it will with time, but occasionally the pain and nostalgia still catch me off guard and well up so badly that i weep spontaneously. Ben has a new girlfriend, and she seems really smart and creative actually, so i am happy for him, but occasionally there are still the pangs of sadness that he has moved on so quickly. As he is quick to remind me though, i am the one who moved on first...though in truth i did physically, i haven't completely in my heart. It's just...still kind of a tangled mess that i am trying to figure out in there. There are feelings of love emerging, but there is still this weird wall in there, blocking me from giving myself to love completely and irrationally the way i have in the past. I know maybe that is just a more developed sense of caution, but i fear jadedness, as that is a lonely thing. I'm not worried about being stuck though, i feel my heart growing more open by the day, but it is a long process. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward...

Single thoughts.

There is a certain joy in knowing that i can wear whatever i want now, without worrying about the things he did and didn't like on me...i need to impress no one now, other than myself. Yet, knowing that other eyes falling on me will hold no love, it is almost harder...deciding to hold myself to a higher standard to meet their unknown and uncertain scrutiny, or to say "fuck it" and not give "a single shit". But either way there is a sadness in knowing that there are no eyes left full of love for me, and really no one who cares deeply enough for me to please in a way that makes them pang in the heart and weak in the knees.

Dream

He is tall, taller than in real life, and i am tiny, an adult but child sized. I start running towards him, arms outstretched, and everything is in slow motion, soft, muted in color, quiet like listening from underwater. He is smiling a beautiful big smile, sweet soft lips, dark eyes with creasing smile lines forming around the corners, but there is something in them that i can't place or understand. As i near him he reaches out, grabbing me under the armpits, he lifts me. For a moment i am ecstatic, like a little girl being lifted in languorously slow motion, but then i realize i am being lifted too high, and then as if I'm weightless he launches me in to outer space...the white room fades to a black, silent cold expanse filled with many stars, and i am floating alone. I gently tumble, curling into fetus style in the blackness pin-pricked with white points.

I awoke, feeling sad and lonely.

Well hi there.

Haven't disappeared, just lost in a land of change and up and down emotions lately.

Feeling in over my head, a lot.

But there have been good things.

Happy about a boy, and possibly another one or two too. Consensual Non-Monogamy is a term that was brought up to me lately, it is something i need to think deeply on, and whether on not it is something i can handle.

Navigating so many feelings all at once is hard.

...

I feel like a giant piece of work, and just want to be loved and wanted for who i really am.

But people are so different from eachother. I have found that even little things between two people can become a big deal, over time. If differences big and even small can be a wedge what hope do i really have to be loved for who i truly am (with so many wedge-able issues)? Will i just disappoint everybody for the rest of my life? Should i just stop caring about if i am able to make another person happy? Can i find a way to stop caring about if the people i like care about me being a piece of work?

Having a brain is hard work when it is filled with dumb thoughts like this that swirl around all day. Am i enough, am i too much, am i making the right choice, is there any right choice right now?!? SHUT UP BRAIN YOU AREN'T HELPING *glares*

*goes to stare at youtube for a while*

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Leslie Eleveld

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