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Moop Meep Moop!

Overall, I have been having a really good time lately. I mean, being "single" is new and weird, and that has had its ups and downs too, but right now i am mostly experiencing the ups of it. I think i might be on the verge of an actual, bona fide, semi-stable sort of poly situation for the first time EVER in my life...I mean, first poly situation really EVER at all. So, that is confusing as fuck, but it is also rewarding and making me happy. I'm seeing a couple of guys, they are both very nice but very different from eachother in a lot of ways, in personality, sense of style and even height....it's weird, one is pretty tall and the other pretty short....both adorable as fuck. It isn't committed yet really with either of them, but i like them both a Hell of a lot, i see them both really regularly and still have the freedom to go on more OKC dates if i want to and so do they. What more could i ask for? I also had a thing for a bit with a dude who was a bit younger than me and, not surprisingly, completely confused and had no idea what he wanted out of relationships or even life for that matter. Unsurprisingly that situation fizzled. I'm finding that one of the really nice things about poly is that if you are actively seeing multiple partners and one thing ends you still have the benefit of finding comfort in the person(s) who still care. And as someone who has somewhat recently dealt with really massive heatrbreak...i have to admit it is very appealing.

I guess at some point things will feel less confusing to me, that's really the only thing i want right now that i don't have. Oh, and more closure from the breakup. It seems that my mind knows it has been for the best, but my heart still aches. I would like that to fade, and i know it will with time, but occasionally the pain and nostalgia still catch me off guard and well up so badly that i weep spontaneously. Ben has a new girlfriend, and she seems really smart and creative actually, so i am happy for him, but occasionally there are still the pangs of sadness that he has moved on so quickly. As he is quick to remind me though, i am the one who moved on first...though in truth i did physically, i haven't completely in my heart. It's just...still kind of a tangled mess that i am trying to figure out in there. There are feelings of love emerging, but there is still this weird wall in there, blocking me from giving myself to love completely and irrationally the way i have in the past. I know maybe that is just a more developed sense of caution, but i fear jadedness, as that is a lonely thing. I'm not worried about being stuck though, i feel my heart growing more open by the day, but it is a long process. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward...

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
khall
Sep. 30th, 2013 08:21 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm very glad you're happy. Becareful during confusing emotional times of making decisions.

K.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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